Dr. Laino has been featured in the following:
Woman’s Day Magazine
Frontiers in LA (Los Angeles)
Maryland Morning News (WBAL Baltimore)
Heartbeat radio (HBR 107.5)
Manic Mommies Media, INC
It’s Your Time With Kim Iverson (KAMX Austin)
Exercise for Men Magazine
Your Health Monthly Magazine
Men’s Health Magazine
Lockport Union Sun and Journal
Out and About Magazine (Delaware)
Delaware Today Magazine
Vegan Health and Fitness Magazine
Family Circle Magazine
The Sex and Intimacy Show
Brent Farris Morning Show (KZST Sonoma)
Matty in the Morning (Kiss 108 Boston)
Cosmopolitan Radio SIRIUS XM
Playboy Radio SIRIUS XM
The 10 Show Philadelphia (NBC)
The Brett Winterble Show SIRIUS XM
Times Square Gossip (New York)
Celebrity Bullitin (New York)
Celebrity Health and Fitness
Talk Philly (CBS)
Channel 10 news (NBC)
Channel 6 news (ABC)
Channel 3 News (CBS)
It Your Call with Lynn Doyle (Comcast Network)
Host of Infomercial for a revolutionary book titled Love For All Eternity, which Dr. Laino wrote the Intimacy Guide to.
And many more….
Dr. Laino has also written reviews for several books one being James Rowling’s Multiple Orgasms For Men Made Simple.
Dr. Laino has also been featured in a book titled Making Marriage a Success by Jaleh Donaldson.
She is also a published author herself, which you will find under the Books and Articles section.
Shave Magazine: 10 Signs You’re A Sex Addict
With all the sensationalism around sex addiction these days and porn addiction, a big debate has sparked on whether or not someone can be addicted to something so natural – sexuality. The public is very familiar with alcohol, drug, and gambling addiction and how they destroy lives but sexual addiction seems to baffle us. Sex Addiction, or perhaps the more contemporary term “Compulsive Sexual Behavior,” is a progressive intimacy disorder describing an individual who appears to be increasingly out of control with sex and feeling out of control of their behavior. Many professionals compare such behavior to a crack/cocaine chase and see it as more of a problem now than ever before due to all the growing issues with relationships, sexually transmitted infections and the feelings of being out of control. Displaying signs of sex addiction, however, is not indicative that you are a sex addict because there is a level of functioning that goes along with it, but if you think your sexual behavior is preventing you from functioning effectively in your daily life then you may be in trouble. Here are ten common signs your behavior may be sexually compulsive.
1. Leading double life
One of the classic examples of addiction is hiding two or more separate selves. Often this comes in the form of keeping a secret sex life. There is a compulsion to cheat on your partner, you frequent strip clubs, and you hide while watching loads of pornography. The idea here is if you are in a relationship and you are hiding behavior, it’s a “red flag.”
2. Difficulty in personal relationships
With the above being stated often times there is a marked difficulty in relationships. This is often seen through difficulty connecting, sharing and giving your self as a whole to another person. This is often because there is an internal compulsion that wants to continue to lead that “double life.” Often times, sex addicts have very distant relationships and/or very enmeshed relationships (smothering — often to get unattainable needs met).
Feelings of guilt often permeate through a sex addict’s mind. Even though the double life is often exciting, when guilt sets in it can create a downward spiral, which is commonly referred to as the “addiction cycle.”
4. Obsessively seeking out sexual material
You spend your day seeking out sexual material or at minimum being preoccupied with the thoughts of sexual material. This may have already affected your relationship, job, and sense of responsibility. This is a marked behavior that often leads to decreased functioning in one’s life.
5. Seeking out risky behaviors/adventures
Driving down a well-known street cruising for hookers, trying to have sex in public places, and just generally upping the ante with your sexual behavior can be another sign. Many people who are compulsive with sex actively seek out people, places and things to give them a rush. This is highly connected to the common concept of addiction. This, along with obsessively seeking out sexual material, is often referred to as “ritualistic behavior.”
6. Getting in trouble with the law
You may have gotten in trouble with the law for your risky behavior. Many sex addicts put themselves in compromising positions where they could have legal issues. Often we see this in the form of indecent exposure charges, sex offense charges, and lewd behavior charges.
7. Overwhelming Euphoria with sex followed by intense negative feelings
While we know sex releases “feel good” chemicals into our system, the after effects should be just as pleasing to our mind, body, and spirit. Often there is a pattern of feelings of euphoria before and during sex followed by self-loathing, low self-esteem, and emptiness with the sex addict.
8. Intrusive sex
Most people have sex with people they find interesting and attractive and who return the same feelings. Intrusive sex is being sexual i.e. touching to actual coercive intercourse with someone who is an unwilling participant. Intrusive sex may involve the abuse of a position of authority, such as a teacher, priest or police officer, to sexually exploit another person.
9. Fantasy sex
While we know fantasy is a tool for many people’s arousal and can be healthy, we also know that when fantasy takes over there is a problem. The fantasies are often so intense they become a major obsession for the individual involved. When fantasy takes over your life, responsibilities and commitment often go out the window which could leave you in trouble.
10. Not being responsible with sex
If you choose to have multiple partners there is a level of responsibility that goes along with that-with such high STI (sexually transmitted infections) rates. Using condoms and being truthful is being responsible. Having sex with anything that moves is not. This one is about accountability as well as responsibility.
How to Seek Treatment
Take a good look at yourself and really ask yourself if the above signs are something you deal with regularly. Any of the above behaviors have a potential for spiraling. Sex should be a positive part of life, not your WHOLE life. When anything (be it sex, food, drugs, alcohol, etc.) prevents you functioning effectively that behavior need to be examined – it’s called being self-aware. If you think you do have an addiction, you should contact a reputable therapist that deals with compulsive behavior. Set up a few sessions to get a plan in place. Often one of the treatment strategies for sex addiction is a period of abstinence while learning about sexuality and yourself. This is often worked through with the help of a therapist. Sex education is often paramount in the treatment strategy. You may want to also seek out the SA and SLAA — these are support groups for sex addiction. These groups are in most cities but there are also phone meetings and Internet meetings to choose from.
One of the most important things to remember is that there is a difference between having a high sex drive and being a sex addict. Having a high sex drive is perfectly acceptable as it does not usually involve the negative feelings of guilt and shame, the double life, relationship difficultly or the legal issues which often accompany sex addiction. To find out more you can visit http://saa-recovery.org/
6 Ways Success is Sabotaging Your Love Life (Woman’s Day Magazine)
Symptom: You’re Too Tired for Sex
After getting the kids dressed for school, working a 10-hour day and prepping dinner, some prime-time viewing is the only entertainment on your wish list.
Remedy: Schedule some couple time into your calendar. “Have a conversation about times to spend nurturing this relationship,” advises Delaware area–based sex therapist Debra Laino, DHS, MED, MS. She suggests a planned date night, or even just a few hours you plan to spend naked each week…and see what happens.
Symptom: You Feel Like You May Stray
“When a woman has an education and income, she has the means to do what she wants to do. If her partner isn’t up to her par, and if someone offers her something that her partner isn’t giving her, it is easy for her to go astray,” says Laino. Combine this with a layoff dampening his libido, and your marriage may be at risk.
Remedy: Remember to talk—that’s the only way to make him know what you’re feeling, whether it be concerns over finances or the relationship. “There needs to be an open, calm conversation,” says Laino, who urges women to think big-picture. “With relationships as well as marriages, you kind of have to have this attitude ‘for better or worse.’ Everyone has limits, but if someone loses his or her job and is out of work for six months, remember that it could be just six months out of 30 years,” says Laino.
‘The Good Ole’ Boys Club’ misbehaving
Dr. Debra Laino
The question of whether wealthy, powerful men (and women) have a higher chance of cheating continues to rear up. What we are seeing in the media certainly would lend itself to this conclusion. It would appear not many marriages are lasting when it comes to high-profile politicians, actors, business men and women, and even golfers.
It is no secret that people are drawn to power and success. Powerful and successful people most often have a “way” about them that can lead others to distraction, even sexual distraction.
That said, it is also no secret that workplace “spouses” are a new trend under fire in the media, especially for those who have a power differential (boss and employee). The old adage “money and success means security” may be part of the reality, but security and sex often do not go hand in hand.
So, looking at this from a sexual-desire perspective, power and success is perhaps an aphrodisiac for all of us. There is something about the mystery that powerful and successful people display that can distort us at our core.
So why do so many powerful and successful men and women have affairs?
Perhaps it is something in their personality that leads us into a sexual submissiveness to their charm and mystery. Perhaps it is compulsivity that powerful people have at their core that makes them choose to go astray.
Former U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner and his online trysts is just one more example of the growing popularity of men in power seeking alternative roots for their sexual release.
So far, several women have come forward (just like all the others) discussing online relationship with Weiner. Social networking is one more avenue people have to display their sexuality.
But the big question is why are we seeing such an increase in powerful, successful men in media sex scandals. Poor choices is obviously at the top of the list. However, the growing concern that power, success and influence equals compulsive sexual behavior permeates the psychological opinion.
Weiner, a risk-taker indeed, shows all the signs of sexual compulsivity. In recent Dutch research the vote is in — being more influential does increase the chances of infidelity.
For sure, many men in power feel a sense of influence and “it can’t happen to me syndrome,” but perhaps most interesting is the idea of “maximizing short-term gains at the expense of long-term losses” which is clear in the political arena.
Both research and reality indicate that powerful and successful people have a high incidence of risk-taking behaviors, which are at the core of compulsive sexual behavior. Power and sex activate the “reward” centers of the brain, which makes the two interconnected.
Men in particular in powerful positions who believe they have high levels of influence are more likely to have affairs.
This is certainly becoming The Good Ole’ Boys Club.
Editor’s note: Dr. Debra Laino is a board-certified sex therapist and mental health/relationship professional based in Wilmington.
Did Your Sex Life Nose-Dive with the Economy? (More Magazine)
Recession got you down? A bummed out attitude can hurt your sex life. Here’s how to avoid a bottoming out.
Dr. Debra Laino
With economic strife causing such a high stress environment, what does a couple do when their sex life begins to dwindle? Certainly not all couples’ bedroom activities are suffering; in fact, some couples are finding they have more time at home due to limited resources for nights on the town, ultimately leading to more sex. The economy impacts couples in a multitude of ways–from feeling stressed out and anxious to experiencing depression and lowered self esteem. These “self” issues are usually sex drive downers. If they want any chance of renewed sex drive, couples must recognize this and learn how to manage their relationships and sex lives during this time. Below are a few tips on how to improve life in the bedroom during the recession.
Basic Sex 101 in Economic Crisis: Keep yourself as upbeat as possible. Exercise, eat right, and do things that cost little to no money to keep some form of happiness in your life. Practice small pleasures like turning the music on while cleaning the house, taking at least three brisk walks a week while listening to music of your choice, or relaxing in a warm bubble bath. Activities like these will help you relax and de-stress in a time of crisis. No matter what, we need our “me” time. It helps us gain perspective and let go—and letting go of stress is a direct path to sex, especially for women.
Hungry for Skin: Humans have a need for skin-to-skin contact, a phenomenon called “Skin Hunger.” I always suggest to my couples to spend at least one day a week naked (Naked Sundays or Naked Days). If it isn’t possible to spend a whole day naked due to children or other guests in the home, arrange a nude evening or afternoon for at least four hours. Send the kids to a babysitter, and kick anyone else in the house out for the day/evening. Couples truly become more bonded through skin to skin touch.
While embracing, couples produce a neurochemical called Oxytocin from their pituitary gland. Oxytocin allows us to bond and connect with our partners. So the idea is to embrace one another naked and do some daily routines naked. Cook dinner, have a glass of wine, watch a movie…all while completely nude. You gain an enhanced interpersonal connection and some extra fun, as well as a new facet of your relationship. If you have body image issues, it is important to get comfortable with yourself. Spend a bit of time naked alone before you move forward with your partner. And be creative! If your stomach area bothers you, wrap a sash around the belly and let the rest of your skin out.
Novelty is Nice: One of the best ways to keep a sex life going is through novelty. In economic hardship, experimentation should be at its highest. One of the things I suggest to clients is trying something new with your partner. This doesn’t mean planning a trip to southern France. What it does mean is you should think about the options you have for entertaining yourselves on limited funds. Many couples enjoy having a naked candlelight picnic in the living room. Cook what you would normally cook for dinner, set up a blanket and some plates/silverware, pop open a bottle of wine and enjoy a new experience.
For some added fun, couples can bring some fresh fruit and whipped cream and play with one another after dinner. Put whipped cream on a strawberry and feed it to one another to add a little extra spice. Slather whipped cream on your partner’s lips and lick it off. When couples are regularly novel with one another (at least once a month but better on at least a biweekly basis), their relationship stays exciting. It also allows for deep bonding through the experience of trying something new with each other. By keeping your sex life fresh, you should be able to reduce stress and increase daily happiness, even as you brace yourself through the rest of the recession.
The Healthy Relationship (Delaware Today)
Many couples hardly ever have sex. They go home at night, sit in front of the television, then retire with barely a kiss goodnight.
“After 30 years of the same old routine with the other person, who in the hell wants to have sex?” says Dr. Debra Laino, the First State’s only sex therapist. But, she says, you can always get fired up again.
First, start dating your partner—even if it’s your spouse. It’s important to get dressed up and go out regularly. Put the romance back into the relationship so that the sex life can follow.
Also, take care of your health. “A person’s health is a huge asset of sexuality and, unfortunately, when a person reaches the ages of 50 or 65, things start to happen—arthritis issues—and movement is not as easy,” she says.
So exercise regularly, at least 30 minutes per session, three times a week. It starts the blood flowing, then raises the levels of serotonin—neurotransmitters that make you feel good.
“Exercise provides an increased overall feeling of well-being,” Laino says. “If you don’t feel positive and good about yourself, there’s a good chance you are not going to be interested in sex.” If you haven’t exercised regularly in awhile, start slowly.
Women, get in touch with your bodies. Know what feels good for you sexually, then ask it of your partner. “Women, for many years, have a long history of, as soon as they hit menopause, their sex life stops,” Laino says. “In reality, older women can have a tough time with body image issues because the media says you’ve got to be young and beautiful to be desirable, and that’s just not the case.”
Men, same goes for you. “If you don’t know what you like, how can you tell someone else?” Laino says.
Don’t concentrate on your partners’ bad parts, but on the relationship itself and its emotional elements.
“Sex is supposed to be fun and relaxing,” Laino says. “Make sex a special experience. Don’t make the other person feel that’s all they are good for.”
Add some spice. Some people need extra stimulation, visual and otherwise, especially as they age. “You’re never too old for a sexy negligee or a massage,” Laino says.—M.N
Turn Ons For Women
Dr. Debra Laino
Cabrini-Green Dating Advice Examiner
Many of us know by now that males and females have erotic turn ons. Some of these include the neck, the ears, the back, and of course the breasts and genitals. However, women are even more simplistic than that most of the time. When I have asked women what turns them on the list gets somewhat surprising to the average male. The top five on the list is as follows:
1. Doing the dishes
2. Listening to me/acknowledging my thoughts
3. Touching me without the intention of sex
4. Helping around the house
5. Taking time for me that is special
What is taken from this is that women seem to be overwhelmed often in their lives. Many women’s emotional needs are not being met which often times leads them into having affairs with partners who appear to be willing to listen and hear them.
What is interesting is the differences between men and women with regard to loving expression. Many men believe that sex is the way to express love, while most women do not view sex in the same way. There needs to be a balance between the expressions of love (and what it means to each individual in a relationship). It is not only until there is a balance that a couple can truly be IN a relationship.
How To Intensify Intimacy After Marriage
Dr. Debra Laino
Cabrini-Green Dating Advice Examiner
There is a widespread rumor that once you get married the sex stops. HogWash! This lack of sex after marriage rumor is based on several things that need exploration and clarity at this point in time. Generally, when sex starts to diminish there are clear factors that have led to that disconnection.
Let’s clear this up first: One common thought is that once “we” are married we’ve reached our goal. For many the goals of life become more about obtaining a house and having children, and focusing in on careers. The forgotten piece is maintaining the relationship once it is obtained. Therefore all of the “special” things that once happened in the relationship (i.e. courting rituals: flirting, dating, touching, etc) have gone out the window. Throughout that process the partner starts to feel neglected emotionally (usually the woman because she, by the mere fact of being female, is the more emotionally centered one). When a female feels disconnected emotionally one of the first things that starts to weaken is sex (most often). In many cases it is the woman who is also working, coming home doing the majority of the house work and taking primary role as a caregiver to the children. With all of this responsibility and a diminished emotional connection or balance in the relationship she will lose interest in sex.
Having some insight into this one of the top questions sex therapists work with is how can we intensify intimacy after marriage? To be blunt, there needs to be a working balance between the couple. That means that all duties have to have some sort of equality. The goal is to become an equal partnership with the lifestyle of the couple. One such example is if the male partner works Monday through Friday and say he does some traveling during that week and the female partner works locally and comes home every evening. There is a household of four including mom, dad, and two children. When the weekend approaches the male partner is equally responsible for housework and care of the children. It is not his weekend off from work. The reality is that if a couple decides to have children and obtain a house it becomes a “job” for both of them not just one. So essentially there needs to be a balance between work, household, and children.
The next most important thing is to remain connected. Many couples after marriage become disconnected with touch. Touch is one of the most important things in love relationship for a number of reasons. The most noted one is the release of Oxytocin from the pituitary gland, which physiologically keeps a couple bonded. When a couple is bonded the intimate connection becomes not only easier but obvious. To understand Oxytocin is important here as well. Oxytocin is a neurochemical that is released in high amounts when a woman gives birth, breast feeds and when a couple touches as well as when individuals orgasm. The release of Oxytocin (also known as the cuddle chemical) provides the couple with a bonding experience. The more a couple embraces the more Oxytocin is released. Even if a couple embraces for thirty seconds everyday the intimacy and connection will start to grow. I recommend not doing the embracing at bedtime but rather in the morning or evening. The embrace is not supposed to create pressure to have sex; it is non-sexual in nature.
Date nights are often on the top of my list to help couples rekindle the one on one relationship that often goes out the door once children enter into the picture and after the “honeymoon” phase (generally the beginning of the marriage: six months to potentially a couple of years) is over. It is often I see couples that haven’t gone out on a date since well before they’ve exchanged vows. Dates offer the couple “intimate adult time” which they may rarely get. If money is tight there are also “in house” dates. For example, candlelight picnics in the living room. If this is the case I suggest that couples wear something sex anything from lingerie to eveningwear for their date. It is important to keep up self-appearance for not only a partner but also for the self. Many people feel good getting dressed up whether they are going out or not. The general rule is when you feel good you look good and are more likely to want to engage in some form of sexual/intimate activity.
At the top of the list is also open communication about everything, including sex. This of course should start in the beginning of any healthy coupled relationship. Many individuals have a difficult time stating to their partner what feels good sexually and what does not. This is usually for one or two reasons. Either the individual doesn’t know what feels good to them or they have a difficult time talking about sex for whatever reason. Good communication is at the core of a healthy relationship and needs to continue throughout a marriage. I often have couples look in the mirror and practice saying things like “that feels really good, could you do that a little harder, or I need more pressure.” The important thing to remember is that your body is yours to own for the rest of your life you direct how you want it treated. You have a responsibility to yourself to let your partner know what feels good and what doesn’t.
Though there are many more things that help to build intimacy after a marriage these three are at the top of the list. These bleed into many other areas of the relationship and help to build strong bonds. If the above are kept active in a relationship there should be less of a problem if a problem at all with intimacy after marriage. The reality is a relationship takes maintaining once you have obtained it. The above are maintenance for a healthy relationship and the recipe for intimacy no matter what orientation.
By Dr. Deb Laino
It is shocking to me that people get into relationships and stop working on maintaining the relationship. I speak often in sessions, classrooms, and workshops about obtaining and maintaining a relationship for long lasting bliss. However, one of the most common issues I see in relationships is that once a relationship is obtained, maintaining the relationship takes a back seat. This mindset usually finds people in crisis in their relationship, which in turn manifests itself in lack of or no sex, arguing to no avail, resentment, and disconnect.
What is it then does a couple have to do to maintain their relationship for a successful partnership? The first idea is to think about everything you did in the beginning of your relationship. This usually includes self-maintenance, special attention to your partner, eye gazing, touch (lots of it), patience, and listening/effective communication. If these are usually the things that are done in the beginning of a relationship why do these necessities wane after time?
Seems the most common answer I get is “Oh yeah, we did use to do that” or “I don’t know, we just don’t do it any more.” These are the answers that tell me that people do not put the effort in to their relationships after a period of time together. Unfortunately, the end result is usually discord, disconnection, and resentment.
I challenge you to put the effort into your relationship that you put in to it in the beginning for one month. Let me know at that point if you are more connected to your partner. If this is difficult for you to do there are underlying issues that need to be resolved in order to have a happy healthy long-lasting relationship.