Sex Cafe Discussion

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103 Replies to “Sex Cafe Discussion”

  1. Hi Dr Deb I enjoy cumming on a girl mainly her butthole and licking it all off and tasting it. Could this mean I’m I to men or is it just simply something that turns me on? Thanks

  2. Hi Dr. Laino – I have a question for you. I have a fantasy about my wife having sex with another man. She says that is disgusting and what kind of man would want his wife to have sex with another man and that is sick. I think I read somewhere that is the favorite fantasy of married men – even more than being with another woman. So am I sick and does it make a difference if this is merely a fantasy or something I would want to go thorough with? I am not sure if it came down to it I would really want to fulfill that fantasy, but if I did, does that mean that I am sick and there is something wrong with me?

  3. My wife and I were at one of your talks a few weeks ago in Texas- You talked about techniques for building desire- I was wondering if you could post some of the highlights from that talk! It was awesome!


    1. Hi Rob-

      Thanks for coming to the Texas Talk! The highlights of that specific talk were really about open communication and experimentation. Both which often lack in longer term relationships.
      -Listening is 50% of communication (and listening is a skill not something we are born with)
      -Sexual Intelligence- knowing what you want and being able to have an open discussion with your partner about what you both want and need emotionally and sexually
      -Experimentation- even when we fear being judged- we are soften the ones who are judging ourselves way too critically-
      -Your Focus should be on pleasure but first you have to define what pleasure means to you (each of you need to do this)

      All the best!
      Dr. Deb

  4. Hi Deb,

    How are u ? I met u once in Claymont community clinic…longtime no see…

    Am doing mastibution everyday as am not able to make a days i feel week means while i do mb i dont feel happiness and it dosent feel strong very quickly happens i feel uspset bec i didnt married yet etc etc..
    looking for help..

    1. Hi Murty!
      How are you?

      I am not exactly sure what your question is but from reading it I think it may be a good idea to see your doc and get some blood tests done- testosterone, vitamin D, CBC, and a thyroid panel. You talk about unhappiness, feeling weak, etc… Start there and see what your results are- If everything is good you may want to have a few sessions with your girlfriend with a therapist- either me or someone else.
      Dr. Deb

  5. Hi
    This is so cool!! Love this Sex Cafe-

    Question: How can I give a great blow job?
    Are there techniques you suggest?


    1. Hi Amy,

      Great blow jobs are usually wrapped up in the passion that the giver has. With that being said, the other side to that story is knowing the pressure, wetness, etc that your partner likes- you have to ask who ever you are giving a blow job to those questions.

      I find teasing is important- licking up the shaft, kissing the head, flicking your tongue against the underside of the head (the frenulum), humming while your mouth is on his penis gives a vibration feeling that many men enjoy- One key is usually having enough saliva in your mouth so that the experience is wet- if you can’t get enough saliva circulating try using honey because it will make you salivate. Pour a little honey on the head of his penis and do what you do!
      Dr. Deb

    1. Hi Matt!

      Blood in semen, also called hematospermia, You definitely need to see a urologist for this one! While it doesn’t always signal a major issue and often disappears on its own, it’s still important to have some medical tests done. There could be an infection in the prostate, epidydymis or seminal vesicles. Blood in the semen can also come from an STI such as chlamydia or some other overgrowth in bacteria.
      Blood in the semen can also be because of some trauma in the area (if you’ve fallen on a bike or something like that).
      I am not sure where you are but if you are in DE you can email me and I will send you to one of the urologists I work with if you would like

      If you are not in DE then find a urologist in your area and make an appointment- it’s better to air on the side of caution.
      Dr. Deb

  6. I heard about your sex cafe at Stoneys- and that you were doing it on your website too- Thats great- glad you are here.

    With that being said, I get the itch sometimes to expose myself in public- I have never done anything but I am concerned about the future- I have never told anyone about this – so this is hard- Not sure if it is just fantasy or something I really want to do?
    Would love your feedback


  7. Hi,
    I wanted to know about female ejaculation – what is it and can every woman do it?

    BTW- Love the TED talk!!


  8. I have a question. You are a sex doc so you are the perfect person to ask this to. I have been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years. We are about to have a baby. I am 33. After I turned 26, I was with a series of women that I was able to make them squirt on climax. It seems it was a combination of improved technique but I was thinking I was attracted strangely to a series of women who have the ability to do this. Have you ever found that people attract the same type of partners with similar sexual abilities? My current girlfriend does too. And we have taken female partners who are able to also.

    1. Michael,

      While there is no scientific evidence on this, I personally believe that energy attracts energy – whether it be negative, positive, and/or sexual. That being said, it is also quite possible that you simply met women who could ejaculate- female ejaculation is very misunderstood in and of itself- (I just saw another question posted on here about the topic – so I will get to that asap) –

      For now, it sound alike you are pleasing the ladies! Is it worth over thinking your love making ability? I think not! Use your gift and enjoy!! : )

      Dr. Deb

  9. ok. If I use coconut oil for my vag- what do I use if I have anal sex? Is their something better?

    1. Hi Rosarie,

      Sorry for the delay…

      You can use coconut oil or almond oil. The problem is you will not be able to use a condom as oils will eat away at the condom. I am not aware of any that are safe for use with a condom that are 100% natural-

      However, on the flip side there are lubricants like Maximus and anal ease that work well and a condom can be used-
      It is your choice.
      Dr. Deb

  10. Hi.
    We wanted to ask tips about spicing up our sex lives. We are in our early 40’s. We have been together for 10 years, have a great relationship but were just curious about ways to spice things up a little bit. We are not into bringing other people into our relationship or doing super kinky stuff (whips chains, etc). We are somewhat romantics-if that makes sense..
    Cam and Laura

    1. Cam and Laura,
      I apologize for the delay- last week was hectic!
      I could go on for hours and hours about this topic. My first question would be what have you done/tried at this point. Second, do you know what your partner is into (i.e. is she into exciting risk taking behavior, romance, fun, etc- you may want to think about this question too). Since you guys are not into “super kinky” stuff and it sounds like you gear more towards romance you may want to try connecting activities. To get started, try having sex with the lights on and eyes wide open. When each of you climax make sure you keep your eyes open. Generally this is exciting and one of the most intimate things a couple can do.
      I also think a mild role play can be very exciting for couples. A different hair color wig etc. it allows each of you to possibly tap into another aspect of your identity (one that may be deeply hidden). This can be erotic on so many levels!
      Have fun and keep me posted on the results!
      Dr. Deb Laino

  11. Sooo, I heard about you and wanted to check this out…
    Cool site!

    My question is…Is it “normal” to masturbate everyday?
    Thanks! Just curious

    1. Hi Ben,
      Sorry for the delay-

      Masturbating everyday isn’t necessarily abnormal. I think it all depends. If you are able to function in your life without shame or guilt, if you are not putting your job at risk, if you still desire sex with a partner then everything is fine. Masturbation generally becomes problematic when it runs your life- where you would rather masturbate then do anything else (i.e. go to work, be social, pay your bills, etc).
      Hope that helps!
      Dr. Deb

  12. Dr. Laino,

    I asked about dealing with a partner with ED at the last Stoney’s presentation-
    It’s very hard for me not to take this personally- I feel unattractive, unloved, and a lot of other feelings- Can you shed some light on what I can do to help this?
    Much appreciated!

    1. Marissa,

      You have to understand that ED is not about the partner. I understand how partners can feel a host of negative feelings- but first thing is first- try hard not to blame yourself. There are other issues going on- whether it be the relationship, health issues, hormone issues, anxiety, etc needs to be figured out- For now just try to be supportive so you can help diminish anxiety (most likely there whether it is primary or secondary)
      Keep me posted and make sure your husband gets the necessary medical evaluation that I spoke about at the last Sex Cafe.
      Dr. Deb

  13. I will get to the last few comments by weeks end- I humbly apologize for the delay- I was on vacation last week and did not have internet access.
    Dr. Deb

  14. As a child brought up in a religious household we were only taught to think of sex as a private act between a married couple to produce offspring. As an adult I still feel inhibited, or guilty, discussing sexual interests, which I have tried to overcome through education. What are your thoughts on this ?

    1. Walt,
      I think this is very common and it’s the downfall of religious teaching when it comes to sex (my opinion). Sex is natural. Of course one needs to be responsible because it also has its dangerous side too. I think the more you educate yourself and begin open discussions about sexuality (to your comfort level) you will be fine and can “grow” out of the thinking. The Sex Cafe is a GREAT platform for that!
      Dr. Deb

  15. Hi dr. Deb. I am Very much into anal stimulation such as toys and what not was curious is there any side effects for lack of a better term when it comes to assplay? I use an 8in dildo and can take the entire inside my ass. Thanks!

    1. I’ll get to the last few questions this week- I was on vacation last week – I humbly apologize for the hold up!

    2. Patrick,
      The anus elongates when a person is aroused (similar to the vagina). The colon itself is a few inches long and the large intestine is much longer (a foot or so- varies depending on the person). 8 inches shouldn’t be a problem but it would vary for everyone. If it is uncomfortable you clearly need to stop. And, God forbid something gets stuck you need to get help asap because there could be some damage.

  16. Oldie but a goodie – what do women prefer, boxers or briefs ? And I heard somewhere that boxers are better for circulation and can improve performance, what are your thoughts ? Ladies ? And are women more apt to notice men that wear t-shirts and jeans or polo shirts and slacks ?

  17. A friend and I were talking about love, this hypothetical question came up. Joe and Mary are in separate relationships, but meet and fall in love. They are both better suited for each other than the partners they are with. But Joe is faithful to his wife and the commitment they made together, although they do have issues. When Joe’s marriage finally ends, Mary has already moved on and has a family. Joe still loves Mary but meets Jane, who is a wonderful girl and he can love her, just not in the same way.

    Now my friend feels that Joe should not marry Jane, that it would not be fair to her as he still has love for Mary, that Jane would never have his whole heart, she would forever be sharing it with Mary, and that Jane deserves to have his whole heart and mind, not have to live with Joe’s past regrets.

    I feel that although Joe has loved and lost, he should still have a chance for happiness, and that there are many forms of love, you will never love someone the same way as another.

    But the question is still there, and it’s a fair question – is it fair for Jane to have to live with that ghost, knowing she will never have 100% of Joe’s heart and mind ? My friend feels that you only really fall in love once, everything else is a shade of that. Comments ?

    1. I’ll do a quick reply to this and then get back to it when I get a little more time-

      First- who says you can only love one person? Who made that rule? You can love to parents? Two kids, two dogs? but why not two people romantically- even if it may never happen-

      This is a great question and one that brings up so many responses based on values-

      I will say this though- If one person is not interested in another (and have moved on)- it may be time for the other person to accept the facts and move on as well- for their own mental and emotional health-
      Thanks for posting- great question to ponder!
      Dr. Deb

      1. Thank you for the answer, I appreciate it and agree with it ! Just wondering about the other part, do women have an issue with wondering if their partner is giving 100% of him/herself to the relationship ? Or is their partner still hung up on former spouses/friends, etc. ? And is that fair to the women ? I guess it’s really a matter of trust, if you commit to someone then you both have to trust in the love between you.

  18. How do I get my spouse to become more sexually liberated, even though she is a victim of past sexually based violence?
    I don’t want to appear insensitive or totally unempathetic, but I want to raise the level of “freak” in our sex lives.
    Please advise.
    Thank you.

    1. Hi,
      Thanks for posting-
      This is a very delicate situation that is both of your responsibilities- Due to the fact that your spouse has had sexual violence in her past- she needs to resolve those issues or at least be starting the process of working though the meanings that she may still hold about sex (this is very common with sexual violence situations)- This is her responsibility and it is always recommended to have some time in therapy for this- YOUR responsibility is to be supportive throughout the process-
      Both of your responsibilities is to have a discussion about what you want out of your sex lives- what you are both willing to share with one another and then move forward from there-
      If this has already been done- there is something else going on- which needs to be communicated about-(with sensitivity as always)
      So, I would start by asking your spouse what she likes about your sex lives? And then you can state what you like-
      Then I would move into – “if you could change two things what would they be?” The discussion starts from those two things-

      Remember- you both may hear things you don’t like- they are not wrong- sexual negotiation is about learning how to meet needs through the depth of people’s perspective, feelings, and issues, etc

      Keep me posted…
      Dr. Deb

  19. I do not have any interest in sex- not sure what to do. I’m pretty healthy and Ive been with my partner for two years- Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

    1. Love1,

      There are so many ways to look at this- 1. what is your idea f healthy? Are you exercising at least 3 to 5 days a week, eating a balanced diet (we can go into more detail about what that means if need be-it may not be what you think)-
      Are you male or female? Have you had hormones tested? Do you and your partner get along? Is your partner a good lover? Do you communicate well together? What were your values and experiences sexually growing up? Etc, the list goes on and on- Make a check list about the above things- and get back to me-

  20. Hi-
    I was at one of your seminars a few weeks ago and you touched on how many women do not have orgasms- can you expand on that a little for me/ I am 30 years old and rarely have orgasms with my partner but I can alone?

    1. Hi Sara,
      Sorry for the delay- things have been a bit hectic over here…
      Yes, many women are not having orgasms- some are and do not know they are (believe it or not)- we live in a world where orgasms “have to look a certain way” i.e. convulsions, yelling, etc as depicted in pornography. Many women believe that that is the way they should be orgasming too- you can see the problem here (everyone’s body is different)- this is one of the issues-
      Anther issue is women have a difficult time letting go (for a multitude of reasons- unique to them- i.e.anger, resentment, values, religion, family dynamics, relationship issues and the list goes on). These can and do prevent women from having and orgasm-
      This of course is the short of the long-
      So it doesn’t surprise me when I hear a woman can orgasm alone and not with a partner-
      think about your values, your relationship, your body image, etc- think about whether or not you are giving it enough time- is your partner giving you enough time (knowing that a very high percentage of women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm).
      Start slow- don’t put the expectation of having an orgasm on yourself (that=pressure=no orgasm).
      make sure ther eis ample foreplay and make sure to BREATHE throughout the process- you want as much oxygen as you can get!

  21. I know you are really into health- Is health really that important for good sex? and why? I get the blood flow thing but why else?

  22. Hi Doctor Laino – In trying to spice things up and make things better for my wife, I asked her about fantasies that she had – realizing that not all fantasies are really wanted to actually happen, but thought that if we talked about them, if might lead to satisfying at least some of them – or just letting her know that I was interested in what she was fantasizing about, empowering her about her own sexuality. Asked her what she fantasized about generally and when she was masturbating. She said that she very rarely masturbated – it had been a (non-specific) long time and that she had no fantasies. 1st, is it likely that she very rarely and not for a long time masturbates and 2nd that she has no fantasies – or is she just hiding them from herself, or from me to spare me from having my feelings hurt, assuming she wasn’t fantasizing about me (really don’t think it would hurt my feelings – I realize there is a huge difference between fantasizing and acting).

    1. Hi Anon,

      Well yes, there are many women that do not masturbate (and many reasons for this, i.e. values, stress, body image, etc). We ALL have fantasies- however, they may take different shapes- for example thinking about what you are going to do when you go home IS a fantasy because it is not happening in real time. When we think about fantasies we often think about them in a very X rated sort of way (which doesn’t have to be the case). Why don’t you try a fantasy exercise with your wife- One evening sit with her and write down three things that each of you would like to do/happen with regard to sex. This is a baseline fantasy exercise that will help get your wife thinking about what could happen- If she is reluctant she probably needs some help connecting with her sense of sexuality (mind body) which is one of the things a sex therapist is for.
      On a side note- good for you for trying to get your wife communicating about her needs and desires-
      Dr. Deb

  23. Hey Doc!
    I want to have a threesome and not sure if my current girlfriend would be into it- any advice on how to ask? No hurry-

    1. Jose,

      This is always a “sticky” question. While some couples do great adding a third party on others do not. I think you should toy around with the idea first. Get her thoughts and feelings on threesomes in general- If she responds with disinterest she may not be open or willing to try this experience.
      I will say this- there are generally rules around threesomes (when they are successful)- what is allowed, what is not allowed etc- If your threesome comes to fruition- I think it is imperative to have a conversation about what you and your girlfriend are going to be comfortable with (i.e. no penetration, no oral sex, etc). In some threesome situations the partners have sexual intercourse while the third rubs, touches, and rubs their genitalia on another body (you or your girlfriend). In other situations there is full intercourse with all involved- It really just depends-

      Gauge where your girlfriend is at and go from there- If you are confused about her answer you can bring her answer to the Sex Café!
      Dr. Deb

  24. Hi!
    I was in a seminar of yours about 6 months ago- You talked extensively about the use of coconut oil for (almost everything) can you post more info about that?
    PS I loved your seminar-it’s been one of my favorites!

    1. Sam-
      Love coconut oil! (almond is good too)
      You can use coconut oil for almost anything- hair moisturizer, skin moisturizer, intestinal issues, for cooking, age spots, diaper rash, coffee creamer, weight loss, animal irritated skin, foot scrubs (mixed with sea salt), the list goes on and on and on-
      I like it for vaginal lubrication because (since youve been to one of my seminars) you know I like things to be as clean and natural as possible if it goes on or in the body- So I tend to stay away from advising on over the counter lubricants-
      One primary reason I like coc0nut oil for vaginal lubrication is the anti fungal and anti microbial properties- some women report lower yeast infections (though I wouldn’t advise coconut oil as a treatment- I’d cut out sugar and carbs first)- but that’s another story-
      It’s clean, healthy and “wet”-
      I like extra virgin organic coconut oil-
      Dr. Deb

  25. Deb,

    I’m a good friend of one of your students from Philadelphia University that recommended I talk to you about my “issues” in the bedroom. I’m writing to you because I have a lot of anxiety and lack of confidence when in the bedroom and have yet to overcome this problem. As a 21-year-old girl with plenty of conversational confidence with my male acquaintances, I don’t understand why all my confidence dissolves in the bedroom.

    As for a little background, I have honestly only had sex (soberly and confidently) with my ex boyfriend that I had been with for six months about one year ago. Since then I’ve only have sexual encounters with guys from the bar, I’m shamed to admit, and typically I don’t remember a thing. My last sexual encounter with a nice guy I recently met was one of the first guys I’ve had sex with since my ex. He continuously told me to relax and tried his best to ease me up. When I was on top, I immediately lost all my confidence and was unable to enjoy our sex together. My problem could easily stem from my lack of experience yet I strongly believe issue is due to a lack of confidence. Either way, please help me overcome this issue I’ve been faced with!

    1. Hi!
      This is an issue that I think lots of young adults (and adults in general) experience- I call this sexual confidence- So while your overall confidence may be in a decent place when it comes to sex you seem to loose it-
      I’d like to take you on a brief journey- think about what it would be like to be the best you can be at sex- what does that look like? What does it feel like (really do this – imagine it and keep imagining it as often as you can) the goal here is to build this area.
      Second- education is always key in situations like this- as a culture we get messages that we have to “perform” a certain way- that’s crap- You are allowing yourself to feel like you have to do something specific, look a certain way, etc (it sounds like any way)- the best sex is sex that is built on feeling connected to yourself- there is no “one size fits all” in this category.
      Masturbation training is also key here- get in touch with what you like sexually- become confident in that area solo- this can transpire into a sexual relationship-
      This is the short of the long- Keep me posted on this process…

  26. Dr. Deb,

    My girlfriend I have been together for 2 years- we want to spice our sex life up- do you have any suggestions? We have a great relationship otherwise (the sex is good too but we just want to add some spice)


    1. Jake,
      There are plenty of things to do to spice up your sex life (depending on what you have already tried or have done)-

      -setting the scene (whatever scene you want it to be ranging from sexy to romantic to S and M and everything in between-
      -using sex toys and products (everything from nipple pinchers to sex swings to flavored lubes (make sure they are not toxic)
      -Different positions (refer to a Kama Sutra guide for the visuals (plenty of fun stuff in there)
      – MOST IMPORTANT- have a discussion about what the two of you would like to do- are you or your girlfriend in to risk? Having sex in the car in the driveway- having sex on the beach, having sex on a blanket in your back yard (or the park or wherever)- the list goes on and on-

      I think ways to spice up a sex life takes two things- creative thinking and action. Don’t focus on the physical act of sex rather focus on your senses and what “they” like and then chat with your girlfriend about it-

  27. Hi,

    I just had a blood panel done, and I found out that I have no free testosterone, and I am on the low side of testosterone in serum. This probably explains why I have no sex drive to begin with. I was wondering if you knew any natural ways to increase testosterone in women? I want to get back into the sheets!

    1. Hi Amelia,
      Good question- There is a bigger question at stake here and that is WHY is your testosterone so low? Stress, oophorectomy, adrenal issues,obesity, medical issues, menopause hormonal imbalance? This question needs to be answered first before anything else. Before you start putting things into your body do you know the root cause of the low testosterone and with that being said are all of your other hormones in decent balance (estrogen, progesterone, TSH, cortisol, vitamin D to name a few)?
      What has your medical doc said about this?

      The reason it is important to have a whole picture look is because even suppliments and natural remedies can be ineffective without knowing really what is going on-
      For example if your testosterone is low because you are stressed out- you can take all the natural things you want but until you learn how to manage stress your T levels will not budge-
      Make sense?
      Dr. Deb

  28. So, I was wondering what the average length of time a man is supposed to thrust for during sex and what is the average length of a penis actually is-

    1. Hi Sam,

      We are talking averages here – remember that-
      The average man “thrusts” for 3 to five minutes before ejaculation.
      The average length of a man’s penis is 5.6 inches long when erect (give or take an inch or two). I think there is a lot of anxiety around this topic for men. While some women do like size and girth remember many women have their best orgasms through oral sex (clitoral stimulation) rather than penetrative sex.
      Dr. Deb

  29. Hello Dr. I met someone on my job we clicked and became good friends, we go close talked while at work and texted almost everyday. As I got to know more about this her I started to like her more but I knew in my mind that that couldn’t happen because she is married and I am not the type to break up someone’s marriage for my own selfish needs as you will. We’d flirt a lot she’d rub my leg, and we’d hug but nothing more. I remember when I was at her house and met her kids her daughter ask me if I could move in with them I just laughed and told her no I couldn’t. I also remember seeing her husband going in for a hug and kiss and she’d push him away at first I just maybe that’s how the relationship is but when I’d give her a hug she’d hug back and it was tight like she didn’t want to let go. Maybe I’m reading the signs wrong I don’t know but I put up a wall and became rude and disrespectful towards her to hide my feelings. Long story short after I apologized to both her and her husband she said that we are cool but she don’t want to mess up her marriage which threw me off because I would never want to mess up a person’s marriage. When I asked if we’d be friends again she said well work on it. So my question to you is am I reading the signs wrong or is there possibly something there but hasn’t come out?

  30. Sometime in 2013 I met a person who came to my job as a aide to work, we clicked and became close friends. We’d talked or text every day and flirt. I think I started to like this person a little more than what I should so I put up a wall and became defensive towards her, being rude etc. I called her and apologized to her and her husband. She said we are cool but she doesn’t want to mess up her marriage which at the time I paid no mind to because I was not trying to mess up anyone’s marriage. She also says its possible we can be friends again in the future. Could there be something more going on here? Could this person have the same feelings for me as I have for them but doesn’t want to admit it? Or am I just reading the signs all wrong? Confused and need advice.

    1. Anonymous,

      If this person is saying they do not want to mess up their marriage you need to end your hopes of having something start or continue- this person is married and unless they clearly communicate with you that they want something more with you – it’s time to move on. It sounds like you are reading way too much into this- and emotionally suffering to some extent-
      If by some chance this person is leading you on and at the same time telling you she wants nothing with you- this person becomes toxic to you- let it go… And find someone that can give you what you want ( think about what it is you want from a relationship)


  31. Hi Deb,

    How much jerking off is too much?
    I jerk off at least once maybe 2 times a day.

    I’m in my Mid 40’s and it seems like I can’t get enough. I like sex sometimes I would just rather just jerk off.

    Is this normal?

  32. Hi,

    I have heard awful things about the birth control pill. I have been on it since I was 17, and I have had a lot of health issues since then. I want to get off the pill, and go to a non-hormonal form of birth control. I always use condoms with my partner, but I want to be really careful.

    What’s your recommendation for non-hormonal birth control?

    1. Ann,
      For some women birth control has horrible side effects- and for ALL women there are definitely some risks. For example in more than 20 well controlled studies risk of premenopausal breast cancer, the WHO did some studies on women carrying the HPV virus and on the pill for 5 to 9 years have a 3 times more likely chance of developing cervical cancer- and many more studies like these-

      Women use B control for a host of reasons – if balancing hormones is the reason I always recommend transdermal magnesium oil, at least 5, 000 iud’s of vitamin D3 (a good quality pure type) and of course good quality fish oil.
      If pregnancy prevention is the object-there are things like cervical caps and diaphragms but you have to use a spermicide with these which has a whole host of other issues if used long term.

      I am a big fan of Natural family planning (which has gotten a bad reputation for some reason?)-
      The basic concept is monitoring your Basal Body Temperature to see when you are ovulating and you essentially chart the information so you can see the patterns in your body.
      Check out The Lady Comp Fertility Monitor and the OvaCue fertility monitor both have excellent reviews-
      Due to the fact that you are already using condoms this may be the best and safest way to go!
      Dr. Deb

    1. Amy,
      Not necessarily-
      However, I believe intent is always something to explore- if a female simply enjoys sex and is responsible about it then it is what it is- If a female (or male for that matter) uses sex as a coping method then there are some underlying questions that need answers. For example, if a female is using sex consistently to make herself feel better – I question her self-esteem. Self esteem probably needs to be addressed so that she can feel more whole.
      Dr. Deb

    1. Hi Patrick,

      I know that they are worth their weight in gold! They work with sex therapists and it is a very therapeutic process. They are highly trained and professional as well as very skilled in teaching skills. They are used for a multitude of issues such as spinal chord injuries, severe mental health, developmental delays, couples, and the list goes on and on…
      Dr. Deb

  33. I want sex every night but my girlfriend seems as though she could care less about sex? This is causing a major problem in our relationship. Your thoughts would be really appreciated-
    BTW Love the site!!

    1. Jackson,
      There are a few things to consider here-
      Every time I hear stories like this I question a number of things, first upbringing with regard to sexual values (what was taught to your girlfriend about sex), second, what is the energy like in the relationship- do the two of you spend quality time together (quality time needs to be defined and agreed upon by both of you and if they are different out of love you need to provide that quality time), how are the two of you communicating, is there trust, resentment, anger, etc? I like to also explore how the two of you are having sex- is under stressful conditions and to be honest if your girlfriend likes what you are doing (the experience, touching, foreplay, etc). It is also imperative to make sure nothing is wrong physically either, autoimmune issues, thyroid issues, hormonal imbalances (can happen with the b control pill too). So as you can see the two of you need to have a conversation about the details of sex- start with this…
      “Honey, am I meeting your needs?” have an open conversation about what her and your needs are as both individuals and as a couple.
      Dr. Deb

  34. Dr. Deb,
    I have a problem that most people wouldn’t consider a problem. I have a rather large dick, thick and long.
    When I have sex with someone I try to be slow and mindful of what I’m doing because of the my penis size but usually the woman I’m with will get into the heat of the moment and end up causing herself pain.
    I have lost 2 girlfriends because of it. At first when they see it they want it. After they’ve had it, they fear it. It’s a total Catch 22 situation.
    I’m only 27 and I would be grateful for some advise.

    1. Hi Barry,

      Yes, that can be a problem for many women- but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have an awesome sex life!- There is nothing you can do about your large dick except learn better strategies and also understand and accept that some women’s physiology may not be able to handle a larger penis (usually based on where their cervix is located).

      So generally there needs to be lots of lubrication (add it in if you haven’t already). Anal and doggy-style seem to be the worst positions for penetrative sex with a larger penis (and for women who may need a smaller one). Stick to missionary, girl on top, and sideways positions (you can experiment from there). Girl on top is good because she has control of how deep your penis goes in. Another variation of this is you sitting in a chair and having her straddle you as you will not penetrate as deeply. Missionary is good because it generally keeps you from thrusting to deep (but if you move her leg on your shoulder and such you will penetrate more deeply so avoid that. And, sideway positions keeps both of you from thrusting to deep.
      As you know go slow with each new partner so you know what she can handle. And, build up the foreplay so she is really ready to have you inside of her.

      It’s not a bad thing what you have there Barry- you just have to be patient and learn your partner. On the flip side- your partner needs to also take it slow- don’t let excitement get the best of you!
      Dr. Deb

    1. Patrick,

      Absolutely not. But to be honest- who cares? Men have such an issue with the possibility of “gayness.” Drop the labels and enjoy your body. That fear of bisexuality was put in your head by a very closed minded society when it comes to sexuality. If you enjoy anal stimulation more power to you! A man’s “g spot” is his prostate. If more men explored their anus’s they would be having better sex! And just a side note: I think it’s great that you are exploring your body and all of its wonders!!

      Dr. Deb

    1. Hi Kathy,

      Yes, perfectly normal for women (and men) to have orgasms in their sleep. It is estimated that 40% of women have “sleepgasms” but I can tell you that percentage is probably grossly underreported- There are plenty of theories everything from REM sleep, to testosterone levels, to letting go of the conscious mind- due to the lack of research on sexuality (and specifically female sexuality) there is no one answer.
      However, there is no need to worry- orgasms are healthy and if I were you I would simply enjoy the pleasure!
      Dr. Deb

  35. Hi! First I’m happy to see this on your website- people need a place to go to ask questions!

    So here is mine – I’m 22 in my last year of college and I have not had a long term relationship- should I be concerned? It seems like all of my friends are in committed relationships and I’m starting to feel like there is something wrong with me- my goal is to go to grad school and become a doctor so I spend a lot of time in my studies- just want your thoughts!

    1. Hi Jess!

      It sounds like you answered your own question here… You’ve got goals! And at this point in time a long term relationship may not be in those goals. That’s ok. Do you know where you are going to grad school? What if its far away? This could pose a problem to a long term relationship. You are a young woman with clear goals – don’t feel pressured by what everyone else is doing? They have their path you have yours. Keep your eye on your goals. Relationships will come in time.

      Dr. Deb Laino

  36. Dr. Deb,
    I seem to be having a lot of trouble getting aroused. It’s been a few years of this and I seem to have no sex drive and my bf always has to be the one to initiate. What can I do to change that?

    1. Hi Patrick,

      many men wear female clothing including panties- for some men it is very erotic and for others it is a stress reliever. It generally at this point falls under fetishistic behavior. Perfectly “normal” and harmless- so enjoy it if that’s one of the things that gets you off!

    1. Patrick,

      My first response is no they do not work. There is a lot of hype about these products and there is no evidence that they work but there is some evidence that they can cause damage to the penis. The average size of a male penis when erect is 5 to 7 inches which is quite adequate to stimulate a partner (both males and females). Even smaller is adequate for a female as its generally the outer third of her vagina that has the nerve endings.

      The penis enlargement products have not been FDA approved (never thought I’d say that as I promote many supplements that are not FDA approved- however these have been researched well I.e. Maca root. With that being said, you have what you have and you need to work with it- make sure you are exercising and eating foods that promote health (stay away from bad fats, high carbs, processed foods). Your penis will be in good shape when your body is in good shape- when vasocongestion (blood flow to the penis) flows smoothly with no interruptions from clogged arteries.

      On a side note: vacuum pumps for short term use for the use of erectile dysfunction can work well but only short term. Erectile dysfunction has many causes and the origin needs to explored further in men who suffer from ED.

      Stay healthy and fit!

      Dr. Deb Laino

    1. Rebecca,

      Upwards of 30% of women have never had an orgasm and many more only occasionally have orgasms- this clearly raises the question why? I treat orgasm issues often- and what I’ve noticed is this: there are often values issues ( familial, religious, etc) which need to be worked through. There can be a history of trauma. There can be an inability to let go and enjoy pleasure. There can be relationship issues. These all need to be explored.

      I find that before you can have an orgasm with someone else it is imperative to have an orgasm with yourself. Grab yourself a vibrator, set some time uninterrupted alone and start to explore your own body. Make sure you are breathing so oxygen can get to your cells and make sure you are able to put your mind in an erotic place as we know the brain is the largest sex organ.
      If you have trouble with the erotic place try writing down a fantasy or reading a book with erotic stories in it so you can take yourself there more easily.
      Start there….

      Dr. Deb Laino

    1. Rob,
      Anxiety around sex is common for a lot of men (and women). With that being said it can also be devastating to sex. I recommend figuring out if the anxiety is organic (do you have an anxiety disorder) or if its coming from your relationship or context. If its generalized anxiety (meaning you have anxiety in other areas of your life) there is a lifestyle change that needs to happen- start with taking 15 min a day to be alone and breathe focussing on relaxation. Make sure you are exercising at least three days a week for at least 45 minutes. If you are in a relationship that is causing pressure- it’s time to talk to your partner about how you feel. Either way- I want you to learn how to breathe during sex so oxygen can get to your blood so vasocongestion (blood flow to your genitalia) is easier. And remember, sex is not a performance- it is an expression of connection, love (or at minimum attraction) and pleasure for you and your partner.
      Keep me posted on this…
      Dr. Deb

  37. I was asked today what I think the most important thing is with regard to good sex-(in a relationship)? Note: It can be very different with casual sex.

    Well, I have to say that I believe it is solid communication (including sexual communication)- In the years I’ve been in practice it is something that comes up during every session. Often with improvements in verbal and nonverbal communication, listening skills, and being able to talk openly about wants and needs in the “bedroom” is a major key in the success of a relationship.

    1. Sara,

      I’m a big fan of communication- Have you asked your man what he likes? There are plenty of ways to pleasure some erotic some non erotic- everything from body massages to prostate massages to using toys and creative techniques to stimulate him. I would ask him what he enjoys as good communication is paramount! If he is fairly flexible then go ahead and experiment with perhaps “milking the prostate.” Have fun!

      Dr. Deb

  38. Welcome to the Sex Cafe! Here is where you can ask questions and receive answers! No question is off limits but please also be respectful to others!
    Dr. Deb Laino

    1. Randy,
      This is a tricky question. For some people it does- for others it does not. Generally with regard to women’s physiology it only takes a 3 inch penis to physically stimulate her because of the nerve endings surrounding the outer third of the vagina. However, there is some level of psychological sex where the visual of a larger penis is a big turn on (for both males and females).
      Most important thing however, is that sexual activity can take many forms- not just vaginal penile or penile anal-Sexuality can be expressed in many different ways!

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